I’ll be the first to admit, I am flawed. Lazy, nearly goal-less, not great with money and sarcastic beyond necessity. Can you imagine, if I was that honest in a job interview? Ha.
But that brings me to my plight. Because although I am incredibly negative about myself and quite possibly the most self-loathing person on this planet, or any other, I have good points too. I am personable, kind- mostly, creative, and chaotically organized. I can be awkward, I tend to be quiet but if I’m anxious I over-talk to compensate, I am funny, and above all things, I put my heart into whatever I am working on. Be it hand-made invitations, job applications, blog posts, or cooking dinner, there is something of me in it. Unfortunately, this lethal combination of faults and skills has thusly led me to believe I am pretty useless.
No matter what, when, how or where we move, Ryan will always know and have a job. I will never have that luxury. Which is fine, honestly, I knew this going into the move to Omaha so many millennia ago to be with Ryan. Because I knew I would be fine following his career. Because I knew, as hard as I might try, I’d never fine a job like that with my pointless degree. I will work odd jobs that I don’t even like, just so he doesn’t stress over money. Because I love him. Again, this is really something I am normally okay with. Normally.
I guess hindsight is better than 20/20. Because as I sit here and look back on all of it, I realize, by not having a dream job or even an inkling of a maybe-want-to-try job back then, I have set myself up for a lifetime of filling out job applications to Target and random assistant positions. What’s worse is, my degree that I worked so hard at, graduating in 3 1/2 years from a 4-year institution, really does nothing to help me. And my skill set, although applicable in many a broad reaches, is hard to spin positively anymore. I have become more disillusioned than ever with myself.
There is no point to this really, except that I am pretty jaundiced about finding even a part-time piss-ant job. I just want to pull my weight in this partnership with Ryan, and lately, I have not been, using wedding planning or college as an excuse to brush off the obvious lack of income on my part. Because at every turn or move we make, this…this “skill set” and resume and degree and combination of job-nessessary attributes, does me more harm than help. I hear NO more than I care to admit and it brings me down, I start believing I am really not a note-worthy or memorable or even good candidate for even the Target jobs. Seriously, Target tell me NO every single time. I don’t want to work a dead-end retail job, I think I deserve to be just a tiny bit picky about this. I do not want to work as an indifferent employee. I want a job that, although may not be ideal, at least I feel visible and helpful. Although, I am sure even that is too much to ask for.
With all of this admitted and out there, I need to go job hunt. For real.