I applied to a few summer jobs this afternoon and am enjoying reruns of X-Files with some Flaming Hot Cheetos.  Such is my life. Er meh gerd. Ferx Merlder!

For the past few days, I’ve been low and anxious. Restless and frustrated.  I get like that, sometimes.  Bless Ryan’s little heart for putting up with my moodiness.

I can’t put my bony finger on it.  I just get low.  Stress from work and bills and the wedding weigh on me and I walk around in heavy boots all day and I never really can figure out how to lighten my boots so it cycles and I get more moody for being moody and then I end up crying or getting angry, when in all reality, I’m only ever mad at myself for letting the little stuff get to me.

The ladies at work have all worked together for years and they all get along like a little clan, I always feel like I’m interrupting or that I don’t quite fit in.  So I gravitate towards the students and let them get away with more than I should.  But they’re kids.  And today, they did great.

Never mind, I’m rambling.

I’ll find a way to muddle through.  We’re here until at least October, I had better find something, besides my gardening that makes me happy.  Or it’s going to be a long summer.

That was yesterday.

Today I cleaned the house and did four billion loads of laundry.

I also learned to change my own brake lights and felt like a badass for maybe .0023 seconds.

This weekend was so warm and perfect.  A beer on the deck listening to the neighbors play Mariachi music or Cumbia, or something….either way it’s awesome. I love this light breeze and warm air.  It reminds me of happiness.

I should be summer job hunting, but I’m so burnt out on looking for work at all I sort of just, gave up for now.  I should be cleaning out the back room.  I should be working on wedding stuff.  I should be doing anything but sitting on my butt, blogging.

I missed this feeling, this summer flu.  My winter skin is warming up and I can peel back the layers of my cold clothes like a butterfly in a cocoon. Today, I feel heavy, but my heart wants to be light.  As much anxiety and stress I dig up and leave in the garden, as much depression and negativity as I try and clean out or wash away, I still feel heavy. I don’t know.  I should be happy. This weather reminds me of what happiness should feel like, but the second I leave the garden, that feeling passes away.

I guess that’s the summer flu for you.

Then, this past weekend I made a quick trip back to Colorado for a medical thing and it was snowing anyway back here, so digging was not going to happen.

But today it was nearly 60 degrees and I could pick up my shovel again.  My fingers hurt and I’m filthy, but I dig out more clay.  Enough to plant a small rose bush.  I fell in love with the picture on the packaging, a lavender flower on dark green leaves, the rose is called Blue Girl.  I cannot wait until it blooms.

I also started some seeds growing so that, hopefully, I can transplant them outside eventually.

It’s mostly just dirt and clay and mess out there right now, but I just know it will be incredibly beautiful, in time, when things burst and bloom. And I’ll be tan and warm and dirty and happy I did this little gardening project.

Okay,  for those of you dumb little girls who don’t know who Anne Frank was, let me enlighten you. Anne Frank, was a young Jewish girl who went into hiding with her family from the Nazi’s during World War II.  They fled to a three-level building that sat atop he father’s spice warehouse.  They hid and had to be quiet because the workers downstairs could have found them out.  So to pass the time, and record the goings-on in her daily life, Anne kept a well-written and incredibly mature account of her life in hiding.  She was wise beyond her years.  She wrote with poise, emotion, and a level of eloquence and humility that even today’s leaders can only wish they had.  Her family was found out and sent to concentration camps.  Only her father, Otto Frank, survived.  He later read her diary, and found her thoughts and feelings to be so moving and honest he had the diary published.  It has been translated into more than sixty different languages.  The only other book to be translated more, is the Bible.

I think that’s what upsets me the most.  Not that Justin Bieber said a stupid teenager thing to say, but that people began attacking Twitter with comments about how they didn’t know who Anne Frank was.

Ever since I was 11, Anne Frank’s diary has been a staple on my bookshelf.  I’ve read it so many times the binding on my copy is loose.  Her life and thoughts have shaped me to be the writer I am today, to be honest and real. She has had such an influence on my life, she’s always felt incredibly close…if that makes sense.

I grew up in a household where reading and school were of the utmost importance.  My peers were out, drinking alcohol and having sex.  Playing video games and dumbing themselves down, stuffing their bras, and spending hours applying make-up just to land a jerk of a boyfriend for maybe a week.  Generations that followed mine are even worse.  Is the world in a downward spiral from classy to trashy?  When did it become okay for girls to idolize a boy who looks like a girl and dresses like an idiot?  Justin Bieber is not okay.  When did they stop teaching about such important people like Anne Frank in our schools?  This is also not okay.  Are kids these days really that stupid?

If I ever get so lucky and have kids of my own, they will know who Anne Frank was.  They will not listen to Justin Bieber crap music.  Because he will never ever ever be as historically significant as her.  Ever.  And they will not dumb themselves down to get the guy.  Or I’ll hit them over the head with history books and make them read text books instead of going to the prom.  So there.

I want to start a flower garden.  I want a huge garden, with roses, dahlias, ornamental grasses and all kind of other things.  I want Esperance Roses because they are incredibly beautiful. Hydrangeas, marigolds, everything.  I want it.

The problem is,  it’s still freezing, and I don’t even have a shovel.  So I have to wait….ugh.

But I’ll keep you posted on how this project goes. Because it will happen.  Oh yes.  Among the wedding planning, the summer job hunting, the laundry and the daily things, I will have a garden darn it. Just like my Gran’s.