Ready, I Am:

I’m ready for Pumpkin Spice everything, sweaters, scarves, hot cocoa, changing leaves, falling leaves, crisp and cool air, and maybe even some snow.  Maybe.
Autumn is my favorite time of year.  I love the smell, the feel, the everything.
I’m tired of this heat, the lack of rain, the sweat, they hay fever and allergies.  I’m tired of summer clothes.  I always like winter-wear better.  It has barely rained at all this summer, it’s so dry, the grass is dead, and when there’s wind, the dirt stirs up and it gets hazy.  It’s no fun.
I guess I realized something last night when I couldn’t sleep.  While I am terrified of change, I need it.  Like some crazy sort of addiction. It reminds me to be happy in the moment, and yearn for the future.  It reminds me to be.  Because I forget to just be.  And I get fussy.
Change comes, whether I am ready or not, just like the seasons.  And I seem to like those well enough, so other changes shouldn’t be so scary.  I should embrace it.  Because there could be things I miss.  Things I love, just like sweaters.  And this time here, I need to learn from and find the good in it.
I’ve been job hunting.  I’ve been depressed.  I’ve been to hell it feels.  I think I need to get on some medicine again, as much as I hate it.  Because you feel nothing while on anti-depressants, and if you can’t feel anything to change, how can you fix yourself?  Easy, you can’t do it all in one go.  That’s why we have a whole lifetime.  And in order to get through it, I may need some help.  I’ll admit that.  Because I should be happy in this moment, and yearn for the future.  And lately, happiness is pretty fleeting.
Growing up is hard, for me especially it seems.  I need to stop comparing my life to others around me.  That’s their path and this is mine.  I’m ready for something positive.  I’m ready for autumn and happiness.  A job and a sense of self.

I’m ready, I am. As sure as I’m ready for sweaters.

I'm 26. Lost and in transition. I don't have the answers, just thoughts.