Forehead Smack:

The stress of money and bills.  When will I get it?  When will I be like everybody else and have it together?  I don’t understand life, growing up, being responsible, the daily grind, any of it.  I don’t understand any of it. And I get so frustrated.  I get so stressed.  And I’ve been so lost.  This whole time.  And it’s only getting worse.  And I pray about it, and I cry.  And I read my Bible looking for comfort in the Scriptures.  And my heart will be calm until I get a passing thought where I feel like I’m actually failing.  And I don’t know what to do.  When will I get it?  I’ve been told He only speaks to your heart.  And Satan is the one who throws negative thoughts your way to try and break you down.  That, he cannot talk to your heart.  But this very second….My heart is quiet.  And my mind is raging.  And the devil and God are raging inside me and I am seriously confused.

Do I stay at my job?  Stressed and anxious for barely minimum wage?  Or do I quit, without a job lined up and barely enough money to pay bills for next month to spend all my time job hunting?  I so hate decisions and consequences.  What do I do?  What do grown adults who get it do?

I'm 26. Lost and in transition. I don't have the answers, just thoughts.

4 comments

  1. Dudes McCool says:

    Forget what you hear from evangelicals – there is no gospel of prosperity, and Jesus had a retirement plan that nobody else qualifies for. I can really identify with your feelings about “failing,” or at least I used to. The only way to get to “get it” is through baby steps. It’s tough to know where to start sometimes. Obviously you learned a lot from your experiences at HP, and nannying, and now the restaurant. I think that’s worth something. Where will you look next?

    • rhaimi says:

      You’re right in that, the Bible actually says money and wealth are nothing compared to God. But we learned in Sunday School as little kids, God’s love and the plans he has for us, and by living our lives in his name, we will inherit the earth, we will be filled with more than enough. I don’t care about money in that I want to be rich. I want to be able to pay my bills. And I cannot do that, once again in my adult life. I hated HP. I learned nothing except I am terrible at sales, irresponsible and mostly hate people. I ate butter and wine for three days because I couldn’t afford food. I was an alcoholic. I no longer drink. I nannied a tyrant child which would hit and spit and kick. I now cater to some of the most ungrateful assholes, who snap their fingers at me and tip nothing. If I have learned anything, it is that I am nothing. People use me. But God does not. I have been treated so poorly in the last three jobs of mine, it’s laughable. You have no idea what I did to my health in AR, you have no idea how that kid physically scarred me or how I have stomach issues now that require medicine from the stress of a simple serving job at which I also suck. I don’t even know who you are. I’m not sure if you leave comments to scorn me or help me, but every time, they sting. I thank you for reminding me I am in a better place that the shit hole south. I thank you for reading my blog and commenting. But dude, you have no idea.

  2. strawberry-titty-milk says:

    There’s very few people that actually have it together. Everybody else just struggles behind closed doors and smiles to throw others off. The worse thing you can do is look at where everyone else is in life and compare yourself to it. You’ll be stressed out and frustrated. For the most part I think you’ve got the right idea with saving up money and looking for a job full time. You just need a direction and focus for a job. That way you can commit all your time and energy to it and have a better chance at success. Spreading yourself out looking for just any job is going to wear you down in a few days max. Most importantly you gotta have the right attitude and mind state. Be optimistic and confident in yourself and what you’re doing. Once you give it your all at the end of the day say fuck it. I tried, I worked my butt off, I accomplished something and if nobody contacts me back, I’ll go back at it tomorrow. You’ll find what you’re looking for. Good luck ma’am.

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