I want it. Please.
The shirt is a button up flannel from Obey. The shorts are puffy shorts from Yes Style and the shoes are Gabriella Rocha Amory-in Brown. This outfit is somewhat masculine, but the puff in the shorts accentuates the curves of a girls hips. Add some bracelets and a long necklace, and this is a great outfit. The shirt is about $40, the shorts are $25, and the shoes are $50. I think, personally, I’d rather have a light blue and grey shirt, but yellow is more summery.
I don’t even know how to say what it is I’m trying to say. I’m mad, and sad and anxious and giddy. But which emotion is real? What I’m saying, very poorly, is that I want more readers. I want a more famous blog. I want to reach out and make people laugh, or think about their own lives. Change what is negative about it, for them. My brain is crumpled.
Honestly, I don’t know what the cuss I am doing here. I really don’t think my blog will ever reach the people that may need it. I’m just a small girl. With small thoughts. I still haven’t moved my blog over to a host site for this very reason. What’s the point? Would it gather a bigger following or would I be losing money?
I hate money. Because I never seem to have enough for what matters. I get bills paid and then there’s barely ever anything in savings. How the heck am I supposed to put money on a house one day? Or kids? I want to adopt. How can I afford that if I never have enough money. I have all the love in the world. Common sense and nurturing skills. I have the best made up bed time stories and I can read other ones with silly voices. I kiss boo boos and know what foods are healthy, but when to let a kid have a snack. I have what it takes, minus money.
Ryan doesn’t know about how sad that makes me. He’s too worried the apartment will be a mess now that I have a job. He’s stressed about his job. He’s got his own things and interests….I don’t talk to him about my blog or my extreme wants to adopt. I don’t talk to him about them because they’re my interests. Not his. When I did bring up SEO and Adsense with a bunch of other jargon one time, Ryan’s attention span shrank to that of a gold fish and his eyes glassed over and he was totally gone.
You can’t blame him. Blogging and webspeak aren’t for everyone.
Today I am going to try and research more ways of getting a bigger audience. I’m also going to work on my Hindi. I watched Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi last night. And I understood a full sentence about favorite colors versus second favorite. I was so happy.
My blog probably means nothing to any of you. But it’s an outlet for me. A way to get things off my chest. Because I am terrible about actually talking about them. I do it for me, first and foremost. Always. But in turn I really want it to help others. It makes me feel like I’m not alone if others feel the same way. A cyclical source of anxiety, chaos, humor, and self-loathing. That’s me. That’s my blog. That’s the mind of most 20-somethings in our generation who need constant feedback and reassurance. I know that I am not the only one like me out there.