Ho Ho Mother Effing Ho:

It’s safe to say I’m over the holidays.  So so very over it.  Over the Christmas lights, the commercials, the ugly sweaters, the fake cheer and forced family time.  It’s not fun for me.  With huge family get-togethers my anxiety is skyrocketing. Don’t get me wrong.  Don’t misconstrue. I love my family.  I love Ryan’s family.  I love my friends’ families and it’s really honestly the reason I keep going.  Family.  But there comes a point when I need space.  Even just a tiny bit, for me.
I’m really proud of myself for going through this chaos with severe anxiety and managing it as well as I have.  I’m becoming better at handling panic attacks and humor conceals my fears so well people wouldn’t know that inside, I’m freaking out.  But if I make them all laugh, my anxiety goes unnoticed and I don’t need that added attention.  I don’t like being the focus of attention.  I like being a part of a conversation sure, but not the life of the party.
Ryan is graduating this Friday.  He’s accomplished so much.  And he’s gotten a fantastic job even before he walks across the stage.  With a prestigious company.  I’m so proud of him.  I get to be the girl on his side, me.  I’m the one who sticks by to help him through the elbow jabs and “Remember when’s.”  You know those stories that are often embarrassing but family members bring them up at any function and the only thing worse than reliving the moment is having the room there to stare at you as the story re-unfolds?  Yeah those.  I’ll help him through those.  Because I have enough dirt on me to make any starving stand-up comedians job easier and probably far more rich than George Lopez, Daniel Tosh and any other comedian combined.  My life is a shit show.  But I’ll be the girlfriend that beams there for her man because no matter what dirt is on him, it’s not as bad as wearing your skirt in your granny panties the third day of high school and not knowing until lunch…….Yeah.
After this weekend he’ll be a college graduate, and I’ll then be the girlfriend that helps him pack for his big boy job.
Then it’s really Christmas.  Not the one that comes a week BEFORE Thanksgiving with the first commercials of the present buying season.  But the actual day.  Ryan asked me why the T in Christmas was silent. I thought on that for a moment.  And I really don’t know but my theory was that the corporate bigots up top created Santa as a facade to be good so that they’re parents could work their butts off and would buy presents and spend, Spend, SPEND.  After many years of this jolly hoax riding in and checking if kids were naughty, but capturing their greedy little hearts, for more presents, more, More, MORE.  But they better be the right presents or so help you, those kids will go from nice to homicidal maniacs faster than you can say coal. And the story of Mary and Joseph all but became a bedtime story but without the meaning anymore.  Jesus Christ shook his head and went silent.  But I really don’t know.  So don’t quote me.
I don’t know if this post has an actual point except that, the holidays are really effing stressful.  I’m really hoping yours are not as chaotic as mine.  I’m wishing you well and hoping you remember to love your family for the moments, good, bad and ugly.  And be thankful for whatever you get for Christmas.  Because at least you’re getting something.  Hold your head high, because it’s almost 2012, and that means a lull in Holiday bullshit, until Valentine’s Day…

From me to you.  With sincerity. Happy Holidays.

I'm 26. Lost and in transition. I don't have the answers, just thoughts.